Just for laughs…
“CELTA Without Tears” (here), an excerpt:
You glance around the room. There are keen students fresh from university, writing everything down. There are a few people like you: discontented bank clerks, bankrupt businessmen, discharged soldiers, bored librarians, resting actors, failed lawyers, disillusioned double-glazing salesmen, and so on, between the ages of 25 and 45. There is one old, inflexible, eccentric character, at the moment scrutinising the ceiling tiles, who will fail the course.
The course has two main parts: input, in which you learn all about the Communicative Approach and how much better it is than the atrocious language teaching you experienced at school, and practice, in which you are let loose on some real students.
In the input part, the trainers demonstrate the sort of annoying activities you will be expected to use with your own students. For example, to help you remember the other trainees’ names, a ball is tossed around the group. You have to call out the name of the person who throws the ball to you or to whom you throw the ball. Needless to say, this is an extremely stressful activity. You can remember the names of only the trainees you would not mind shagging. You resolve never to do this activity with your students.
I’m laughing and crying at the same ‘ol time. 🙂
But wait, there’s more:
Top Ten Tips
1. Do not argue with the trainers. They are irreparably sad gits with Deltas who have been teaching English since before you were born. You are an inconsequential pipsqueak who knows nothing. They are not remotely interested in your point of view. What they are interested in is asserting their dominance over the trainees and buttressing their enormous fragile egos, so they will not take kindly to challenges. Instead, suck up to them shamelessly. They like to think they are doing something terribly important. Take advantage of this. Nod a lot, write down everything they say and make little gasps of astonishment every five to ten minutes.
Of course, the trainers are in fierce competition with each other to be the shrewdest/most sensitive/least ugly. Exploit this by subtly slagging them off to each other. (You could try flirting with them, but be warned this is a high-risk tactic. You might be taken up on it.)
2. Pretend to be fascinated by the students. They may be the usual collection of spoilt brats and dim-witted yobs, but try anyway. Even though your practice lessons will be crap, you can score points by appearing to take an interest in students’ individual needs.
3. Treat the students as if they were retarded four-year-olds.This is the correct ELT approach. Speak slowly in a bright, singsong voice, with exaggerated intonation and lots of hand gestures. For instance, whenever you use a past tense, point over your shoulder. The students will not have a clue why you are doing this, but the trainer will approve. Say things like, “Well done, Julio!” and “Goo-oo-ood, Irwan!” to your denser students…
Right, 3 is enough to C+P here. Pretty good though. I’d forgotten about ‘EnglishDroid’; it’s like the Steven Colbert/Onion of ELT.
Alright while I’m at it…I thought this was worth a chuckle, too: EnglishDroid’s “Chevrolet CELTA”. I remember seeing this long ago but now it’s all the more comically salient:
How it works
A dashboard computer programmed by Cambridge ESOL asks you questions. After a suitable pause, in which you try to respond, it says you are wrong and reveals the correct answer.
Optionally, the computer makes comments about your driving from time to time.